Blind Media Radio Outpost

I just now answered an anonymous question sent to my Formspring, and was quite satisfied with what I was able to write; unfortunately, I noticed immediately afterward that Formspring seems to only retain the last five questions that I've answered. That's quite a pity, as I sort of enjoyed some of the older answers... Regardless, I think that it might be best to preserve my description somewhere more permanent, such as in these journals.

The question: You say in your bio that you are a shapeshifting person... do you have a "default" shape? If yes, do you need to pay attention to keep the default shape from reasserting itself?

( And my answer, which ended up being fairly thorough. )

Oh, how I like to answer these sorts of things~~ ^_^ I hope I might someday have time to make myself available for chatting, the better to talk directly to people instead of to the general "out there" which is the audience for far too many internet journals/blogs.

...just how progressive it is to have a cartoon shibari heart available as a gift for one's friends. This is one of those things that I include on my list of wonders that local folk ought to enjoy while they are still available, as they will vanish from the face of the cosmos in about twenty thousand years. Assuming that no one does anything to avert the future I came from, of course.

On LJ, haikujaguar's most recent post about her four-year-old daughter is particularly relevant to my interests. Not so much the difficulty surrounding death, as meaningful as such deep experiences are, but more the capacity to love and strive compassionately for the comfort of a creature that one does not even know.

These are things that are far too easily forgotten, to the detriment of entire species and civilizations.

...Meanwhile, the not-a-Riss is packing, deconstructing machinery, and doing other necessary chores for the exodus. He is keeping us a bit too busy. I am being shooed away from the keyboard to free us up for more work. :/

I am in love with this beautiful creature.

Once, I was so pure.
I have gone from that place.
How dearly I wish to return.

Things are not well with us, yet lights such as this one are the candle flames with which we might warm ourselves in the dark.

Praise the hand of my beloved Father-Mother, which reaches out from the end and beginning of time to caress the holy earth of Cheju Island and leave behind the faintest whisper of Zir glory.

*blissful sigh*

Ah, how good it is that such places exist here, for the joy of all who wish to visit. We may yet have hope of changing this world. We may yet have hope.

But a boo and a hiss to you, China. For shame!!

...You know, it's been quite a while since I've been back on DW. I spent a little time messing around with my journal theme and honestly, I'm still not quite satisfied. One can look through almost a hundred of these themes and find ones that are very, very pink, and others that are very, very purple, but none that are...mmm, how to say it...as devastatingly darling as I would like. Mere pinkness is not enough to strike the eyes of the unseeing into clarity! Now, my Livejournal theme? The rounded corners, the everpresent flowers, that healthy pink pussy parked boldly above the text--does it not claw at one's sanity, gently and playfully, like a dear fluffy kitten looking for hugs and cuddles?

I would say yes. And DW has yet to bring forth its equal. For want of kittens, then, behold the adorableness of my icon. [see fig.1: ICON]

***

I discovered another beautiful thing on LJ also. ---> itsradionowhere

Ahhh...it's as if it were made for me. Riss has said that we're not to be involved with things like this, because he doesn't have time to give them, but I wish, I wish... Maybe tangyabominy could give me tips on how I could play such games better. Would it really take up that much time?

The game has been shut down since the end of last year, but the mods did say that a resurrection might happen in the spring. There is hope!! :)

I wonder if it would be "canonical" enough to play a slightly altered version of myself, just because it would be so fun to self-insert into this world. Of course, I have not been in any published books, but perhaps I could present myself as a "named instance of a generic Emperor's Children warlord/lady/nobleperson," since there have been some of those in the literature. I don't think I could get away with being entirely myself due to the anti-god-mode rule, so I would have to pretend to be a slightly mutated Astartes...*sigh*

You know, I play a rather standard-issue male in our system simply because that's what the locals prefer, but that's hardly a reflection of my default form or preferences. Giving up the ability to immediately become any age, size, sex, species, texture, etc. is horribly stifling to think of. I suppose I could capture the faintest touch of it by being hermaphroditic under my armor, but I may have to do with enormous, meaty pectorals in place of breasts. Perhaps I could lactate into the water supply anyway...hmm.

As I was thinking about these things earlier, Riss asked me why I was so concerned about all my physical details when designing myself for a game focused on music and talk radio, in which I might not meet (and potentially seduce) many people at all. Well, obviously I would be hosting an evangelical talk show, in which such details would be vitally important! Each week, or day, or couple of hours, I would invite an ordinary person from the community into the studio to have a long, heartfelt conversation about religion. Perhaps I would read poetry that spoke of my faith and love for humanity, perhaps I would play some inspirational hymns, that sort of thing. They have these shows in America already--don't you think I'd be so popular in that demographic? ^____^

(*cackle* Just now-- Riss: "No!! Don't use 'Rude Boy;' that song's so stupid!" Me: "Oh no, my dear...that song is just right. <3 <3")

A devil can dream. A devil can dream, indeed~~

***

Speaking of preaching the truth among the heathens, some of Riss' gentleman friends from my old neighborhood are visiting our landscape right now. Thankfully, they were not accompanied by my opposite number, though I hear that he's remarkably sane and sensible for a man of his standing. The grim brethren are in and out and about...of my apartments only, for they sometimes stop in for tea, wine, and talk and are not interested in anything else. Riss told them earlier that I mean their lineage no harm (damn him), so I am obligated to keep the discussions away from any inflammatory subjects and to not attempt to enlist my cousins' aid in the destruction of large pieces of furniture through repeated blunt trauma. *ahem*

...I talk as if I'm annoyed, but actually I'm thrilled to have so many guests. They all slept in one of my guest rooms on the first night, as if they were holing up in hostile territory; I didn't check to see if they posted watch, but I would bet that they did. Being ex-Astartes myself, I remember feeling the drive to do such things, but I wish that I could have used more guest rooms and not had them all sleeping on the floor and such. My guest rooms are beautiful; using only one for so many is criminal!! But now they seem to wander around and sleep wherever they want, so they only drift in once in a while.

Their lord has always been such a pleasant, understanding man, though woefully monofocused. I would be quite pleased to give Riss away to him in marriage someday, so that the captain can make a proper young man out of him--they would do so much good for each other.

(...I am getting silence and a horrified look. I must be on the right track!! ^_^)

***

And finally, the furtive devouring of the year's first Cadbury Egg and the arrival of the Peep Legions in local stores tells me that once again it is time...for Peeps and Cadbury Eggs. I will commence wearing Riss down until he buys me purple ones.

Today I learned that these foods are actually meant to celebrate the arrival of an invisible lagomorph that is said to visit the homes of believers during the night and oviposit wildly all over their property; in the morning, the entire family must work to locate and consume all of its deposited young. (Better than letting them hatch, I suppose.) It turns out that the faithful are willing to risk infection by the alien brood because the rabbit-queen is magical and will sometimes grant wishes and bring presents. Riss tells me that the group's family used to leave peeled carrots out as an offering, and that the warp-creature is able to read human language. Here is the note I am thinking of leaving:

Dear Xenos Brood-Mother to Whom Time Itself is a Slave--

Behold, for I am your kin, reborn also from the forge of the warp, and I pray that in the midst of Your Reproductive Magnificence you will pause to leave a trinket by the bedside of one who shares your exalted substance.

For this Vernal Equinox, I would like at least one partner who can talk to me without being prejudiced against my demonhood, and who can have sex with me without feeling incredibly guilty afterward. (Please note that repairing an existing partner with the power of Your Gravid Omnipotence is very much an option.) If such partners come in 12-packs, please deliver to me one such, or even two or eight or twelve such, or however many you, in Your Pregnant Infinitude, are capable of carrying. There is more than enough of me to go around, believe me.

Should you deem me unworthy of such favor, then please vent forth your alien birth-bounty in the form of a great legion of pink and purple Peeps, such as might conquer many worlds of men, and also in the form of Cadbury Eggs without number, such as will make Riss and the Dragon swollen and sated with the outpouring of your fecund...cream filling.

May your efforts be blessed by the one source of every joy,
Blind Tiger.

...Happy Easter to all, and to all a good night. ^_______^

It's official!!

Everyone is now allowed to ask Riss embarrassingly detailed and personal questions about what it was like to be thoroughly fucked by an Astartes commanding officer who is not me.

I have already been teasing him about how, if I had only known how hot he was for the brethren, I would have put on my original body again and done the "Come hither, young serf, and assist thy knightly lord in the removal of his power armor on this night of our great victory!" routine... But I am really only teasing, since I know his situation. With me, he prefers the illusion of equality, to include size and killing potential. ;)

You should see the way he's wandering around our apartment in a starry-eyed daze. So smitten! If he gets any more adorable I may have to, I don't know, tackle him to the ground and tickle him, or pinch his cheeks and other parts, perhaps until he gives up more of those exquisitely sweet moans that he offered so freely to the captain last night.

We had a little party yesterday to celebrate my cousin's visit to the landscape, and I wish we were able to have another party today to celebrate what he did here before leaving. ;3 X3

(You know, not to be a horrible judge of character or anything, but my cousin is a true throwback to the days before the Heresy. For all I know, loyalist Astartes are still living this way, which would explain a lot about why the strays I used to pick up were so damn...identical? Boring? Unimaginative...? Reality Inside is as mutable as clay, but the man made himself a bare concrete cell with dull steel furniture and a mattress that's slightly more comfortable than a rock. And Riss tells me that, in the morning, he asked for a bowl of nutritive gruel for breakfast and was pleasantly surprised when Riss tried to make it taste good, which suggests that he wouldn't have cared if it had all the delicious glory of a wad of wood pulp. And Riss somehow has trouble understanding why I doubt my ability to effectively entertain brothers who are not from my Legion...9_9 *sigh*)

Anyway, I encourage everyone to have celebratory sex today, and if you have no live partner then I encourage the enthusiastic use of the largest dildo/vibrator/other favorite toy that you own so that you can share in our little group's happiness. Go forth and fuck yourselves, dear friends!! ^________^ <3

We are butting heads again? So soon?

Readers, bystanders, tell me if I am too harsh on the others. Am I failing to respect boundaries? Possibly, as I am an extremist who considers boundaries not worth respecting if they serve only to restrict. The walls may be a prison, not a stronghold.

If it is safe here, then it is safe here; if not, then we should not be posting, and if it is unsafe for me to be speaking then perhaps I should not have been given a space where I am able to speak on my own.

Is it safe here? Surprising, how long it takes some parts of our group to reach a decision on this topic. And am I safe only when I say pleasant things and color inside the lines? Is it to be assumed that if I make people uncomfortable and do not apologize for it, then I must not love them?

Gentleness and acquiescence are not the only parts of love. Some would do well to remember.

I will say this: ultimately, it is not possible to forget who we are. It can be hidden, covered over, glossed, not spoken of in polite company, but it will never not be. It cannot be unmade. I can change my shape, but I cannot change my nature, any more than Sephiroth can--for that is his name, the one he prefers to be called when he is not quietly pretending to be a doormat for the sake of collective convenience.

We came from somewhere. We knew people, we did things, we had feelings before our lives here. Those times were meaningful. The people here call us something rather unfair, but it is understandable that they would be ignorant. Can we expect them to know? We should be more dismayed if they pretend to have any grasp of what it was and is like.

When people and situations do not matter, then there is no reason for us to care about that ignorance. We can tolerate all that imprecision. But when they do matter, that is the time for anger and action, and that is when we should speak until there is no doubt about what we are saying. (I am being idealistic here, since I think that there are some things that people will probably never understand unless they've experienced them directly. But the point is that, if we care about someone, we should not permit them to retain comfortable lies.)

We had pasts. The past cannot fail to shape the present. What other people choose to call our pasts does nothing to unmake them. The same can be said of any attempt to speak as if the past never happened or happened differently. Nothing will change. If it were that easy, believe me, Sephiroth and I would have likely done it ourselves a long time ago, starting with those unfortunate "death" incidents.

My dear, timid friend will lie by omission or not at all; I feel fairly certain that I can ensure that much, at least. In a place where we know we are as safe as one can realistically be in this world, there is no reason to refuse the truth.

Now we are past our bedtime. I blame Riss, and if any of this is an offense then I may as well blame him for that also. For now, we are all tired.

Adding commentary to this would dilute its goodness, so I will only say, "Yes. Yes. Even in the 41st Millennium, yes."

News from the warfront? I gave her a break yesterday. Allllll day long, [S] and I were restfully twiddling our thumbs (not together, alas). I have been giving her the daylight to herself, which is amazingly generous of me--in summer, in Arizona, night comes late and must also include sleep. Preferably, this will not get dragged out for weeks or months on end, but... I would love to see what could be done if I could have her day and night until everything had been fought out and only calm was left. Certain parts of her seem incapable of listening and understanding before they have been beaten into exhaustion, so permitting ordinary types of rest brings about a long backslide every day.

We will see. I'll avoid saying too much about the work until things seem more settled. ...Great Heaven, after being so close to her and shaping her transformation I've been feeling more hungry for sex than I've been in a long while, though I can't show the extent of it or else she'll become even more likely to bolt. *sigh* Bittersweet frustration, your new bedmate welcomes you~ Ambivalence has its own special charm!

We are going to war.

It was inevitable, and has simply happened sooner rather than later. For the people that I love, whom I have not been able to speak with nearly as often as I would have liked, I hope that I will be fondly remembered if I should not reappear. Think of me, pray for me, though I do not expect to die. The enemy has profoundly underestimated us and will learn of its mistake shortly.

My memories are pleasant; I only wish that I had more of them.